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by The Wandering Hobo on October 31, 2021

I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Thank you, steal again.

  1. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
  2. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.
  3. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. Please do not offer my god a peanut.

  • A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
  • I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
  • I stand by my racial slur.

Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Save me, Jeebus. Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems. I was saying "Boo-urns." What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Please do not offer my god a peanut. Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city! Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city! I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.